breaking through

I don’t know how to describe this feeling that’s been stirring up inside me the past couple days. It’s like an uncomfortable feeling inside of me, yearning to come out and express itself but not knowing how or why it exists. My heart is trying to come to terms with this unsettling problem churning inside of me, yet it doesn’t know what the problem is.

How can you get over something or solve a problem when you don’t even know what it is??

It’s so frustrating when I can’t form words or thoughts to describe my feelings and even more so when I don’t know why I feel the way I do.

Could it be because I’m nervous about school and the future? Maybe part of the reason.

Afraid I have words that have not yet been said to people who matter to me? More likely.

Feeling lonely? Maybe…long vacations tend to make me feel that way…

Afraid that I’m not “healthy” enough? Possibly…

Worried about money? A little bit, but definitely not a huge issue.

Thinking about the people who are truly there for me? Yeah, been thinking about that…

But really…what the hell am I so worked up for?!?

I wish I knew.

It’s a sweet irony when days like today happen.

This morning I was thinking about a former student and her mom (who is the sweetest lady ever) whom I haven’t seen in over 10 months….and after dinner, coincidentally, I bumped into them at a dessert place!
No words to describe how happy I am and sad that I did not get to stay and chat with them :(
I hope they are doing well <3

Also, during dinner when eating with family friends, one of the aunties told me how she liked my “bulkiness” (because I’m bigger than my sister and people always seem to note it). She said “I don’t like too skinny. It’s not nice…like me”. And she doesn’t know it but that made me feel loved in a way I can’t explain. It made me feel appreciated for being who I am- someone who enjoys movement and exercise and for being born with physical strength.

Might sound corny, but I am happy and grateful for today and for the people I know.

I haven’t been honest with myself for a long time and I realize that it’s actually hard to be truthful to myself than it is for me to be truthful to everyone else.

Will you listen when I’m ready say what’s on my mind?

Saw a picture of someone’s bunny and it made me think of mine for the first time in months.

I miss you Numsy.

Feeling mightily bloody blessed.

I got me some of the genuinely bestest friends in the whole world.

I think I’m going to cry.